That is the story of life right now. Part of me feels like my life has been put on hold waiting for this overdue baby. I don't remember feeling this anxious waiting for my other babies. I don't remember my hormones taking me on this same roller coaster ride that I am on right now.
I have been trying to do things to prepare for this little one and for the short period of time that I will need to be away from my family at the time of delivery. I have tried to clean the house - it seems to get messier by the minute because there are 7 of us that live in it every day. I have stocked up on food and supplies last week so my family would have plenty. I feel like the bulk of it has been used up and eaten already. I am spent. I have no more energy and all my work seems to have been in vain. My nerves are frayed beyond measure and I am struggling to have the strength to deal with the day to day squabbles and heartaches of the children.
Everyday I think "maybe TODAY is the day." Then a bit of panic wells up inside me that I have last minute things to do to prepare. I have started to pack a bag for the hospital, but much of what need to go inside it is used every day. I need to have food made for the family. I have made lots of bread and snacks, but alas that have all been eaten already. I feel like I need to start all over again and my energy is waning.
I do not wish to feel so negative. I do not want to set that example for my children. This should be a happy time of excitement. Instead all I am feeling is stress right now. I have been seeking the Lord, but He doesn't feel close right now and I don't know why.
Then a thought hits me. This anxiousness I am feeling...is this how we should be feeling as we await the return of Christ? Perhaps, there is a lesson that I may learn through this waiting process.
5Jesus said to them: "Watch out that no one deceives you. 6Many will come
in my name, claiming, 'I am he,' and will deceive many. 7When you hear of wars
and rumors of wars, do not be alarmed. Such things must happen, but the end is
still to come. 8Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom.
There will be earthquakes in various places, and famines. These are the
beginning of birth pains. ...
32"No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in heaven, nor
the Son, but only the Father. 33Be on guard! Be alert[f]!
You do not know when that time will come. 34It's like a man going away: He
leaves his house and puts his servants in charge, each with his assigned task,
and tells the one at the door to keep watch.
35"Therefore keep watch
because you do not know when the owner of the house will come back—whether in
the evening, or at midnight, or when the rooster crows, or at dawn. 36If he
comes suddenly, do not let him find you sleeping. 37What I say to you, I say to
everyone: 'Watch!' " Mark 13:5-8 & 32-37
Our waiting is to be a constant watch. We are to be constantly prepared - never letting our guard down. That is the mode that I feel that I am in. It is a constant watch and there are not single, one-time steps to preparedness. We have to constantly be on watch and constantly be prepared and then re-prepare.
1"At that time the kingdom of heaven will be like ten virgins who took their
lamps and went out to meet the bridegroom. 2Five of them were foolish and five
were wise. 3The foolish ones took their lamps but did not take any oil with
them. 4The wise, however, took oil in jars along with their lamps. 5The
bridegroom was a long time in coming, and they all became drowsy and fell
6"At midnight the cry rang out: 'Here's the bridegroom! Come
out to meet him!'
7"Then all the virgins woke up and trimmed their
lamps. 8The foolish ones said to the wise, 'Give us some of your oil; our lamps
are going out.'
9" 'No,' they replied, 'there may not be enough for
both us and you. Instead, go to those who sell oil and buy some for yourselves.'
10"But while they were on their way to buy the oil, the bridegroom
arrived. The virgins who were ready went in with him to the wedding banquet. And
the door was shut.
11"Later the others also came. 'Sir! Sir!' they
said. 'Open the door for us!'
12"But he replied, 'I tell you the
truth, I don't know you.'
13"Therefore keep watch, because you do not
know the day or the hour. Matthew 25:1-13
The wise virgins did not merely fill their lamps once. They were prepared to refill them until the time came for the bridegroom to come.
So. I sit here and am reminded that my pantry is stocked. I have prepared enough to have the ability to "refill my lamp". I pray for the strength to continue on and remain steadfast in this waiting for baby AND more importantly this waiting for Christ.