Monday, July 05, 2004

Clutter Weakness!

My stress level lately has been high. This is unusual for me. I am usually pretty laid back and I can let most problems roll off my back so to speak. Recently I seem to get irritated with day to day living. It seems ridiculous to me, but it's the little things that put me over the edge and cause me to lose my patience. I have determined that most of this boils down to the fact that I am living in a cluttered chaos. Every aspect of my life is cluttered. This is most apparent in my home. There is not a room, or even a small space in my home that is not cluttered. My home is filled with more stuff than it can adequately hold. Therefore, the important things get hidden by the superfluous. I am an out of sight out of mind kind of person so this isn't good. The simplest project or errand becomes a mountainous task because I cannot lay my hands on what I need for it. Oh I know that's around here somewhere. This results in a lot of frustration but not a lot of productivity.

I have prayed to God about this. He knows my weakness and has the power to change me and my situation. But here I still am - trapped in the mire of the environment I have created. I feel confident that if I could just clear out all of the clutter in my life and start fresh, things could be so different. I have learned where I DON'T want to be, and would not allow my home and my life to become cluttered like this again. But, I am here amidst my clutter and it is SO diffecult for me to rid myself of it. I feel like Christian in Pilgims Progress. He was so tired from carrying this huge weight on his back. The luggage he was hauling around was sin and when he reached the cross, he was finally able to put it down. This is me. I am lugging around this huge weight. I have not really looked at it as sin before. Why am I this way? Is it from not trusting enough that God will provide for my needs so that I must stockpile so that I can do it on my own. This may be part of it, but there must be something more.

My SIL and I were discussing this. Although we are different, she and I have similar struggles. I thank God for placing her into my life. What a blessing to have someone to share my difficulties and my faith with! She and I were discussing our frustrations that although we have prayed to God to change us, things have remained the same. I have questioned this many times in my own life and have come to the conclusion that perhaps I am not fully handing this situation over to God DAILY and that I have not shared this weakness of mine with anyone. Of course, anyone close to me sees that I am not a organized, efficient person, but I try very hard to hide how bad it really is. I am embarrassed! Perhaps God wants to use this situation to His glory. But what does this mean? Must I bare all?

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